My father doesn’t understand that I’ve been depressed for several days now. For a month, even. I’ve been cutting class more often than usual (I’m just working my ass off so my grades won’t slip–ironic how they’re getting higher anyway), I sleep too much or too little, I’m irritated at the simplest things and I keep thinking that I want to hurt something so I won’t hurt myself. It’s getting worse. I’ve been skipping meals and if not skipping them, eating less than usual. It’s happened before when I was a senior in my high school and it sure as hell is happening again.
Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I’m suicidal, although there have been several thoughts which I’d quickly dismissed. I don’t want to kill myself; I’m not brave enough to do that. It’s just that it feels as if I’m just there. I want to talk to S so badly but I’ve never broken down in front of her and I’m afraid to start. S doesn’t see me that way because I’ve always been the shoulder to cry on. Besides, I don’t want to be selfish and dump all my problems over hers. I already worry about her enough.
My father was yelling at me a while ago and it barely registered. I wasn’t lost in my thoughts then; I was lost in what I was doing. I was just typing and typing and typing and I didn’t even know what I was writing. I know what I wrote was hurtful but he taught me to fight back and instinct just took over so I repeated what he said to me. I explained it to him but he didn’t understand, not really, and what scares me is that the person I once trusted so much can’t bring himself to understand.
I pulled the trigger on me because I knew it was going to happen anyway, two years in the future. I pulled the trigger on me because I didn’t want him to yell at my sister anymore.
It worked, almost.
I’m scared because I want to reach fifty but I don’t know what’s wrong with me because I’m already thinking that I can’t reach twenty if I’m like this. My thoughts are jumbled and I can’t separate them. I need to find a way to do so. B tells me that I need to even though he never said it out loud, because I know that he already knows what’s going to happen to me if I can’t do so. He’s right, my father I mean; I’m not normal. I’m not sure I want to be but I do know that I have to be because I’m a rusted gear and I keep things from working.
I want to get drunk until I can’t think straight. I want to get stoned until I fry my brain cells. You see, they’re wrong; I don’t like being ‘smart’. I don’t like having an above average IQ because it separates me from other people and I over think. When you’re ‘smart’ people expect more from you and you’re pressured to give them what they want. I’ve been called arrogant by others. I know I am, at times, but usually it’s because I’m not sure how much people want from me.
I don’t like getting older because I’m finding it harder and harder to find things that can make me happy. You’re probably laughing now or rolling your eyes because you think I’m being so dramatic. Whatever, it’s a normal reaction. I’ve laughed at your heartbreaks, your anxieties, your blog posts, everything. The thing is, people are naturally self-centered so we don’t know the extent of ones misery.
I need to get out of this house. I have friends but I don’t want to go to them because I don’t want them to see me like this. I don’t want to get out of this house for just a short while, anyway. I need to get out. Permanently. I need to earn enough money so that by the time I graduate, I can rent an apartment and leave for good. My father keeps saying that I won’t be able to live alone but what he doesn’t get is that if I want something, I’m going to work for it and find a way to do it. He keeps telling me that I’m irresponsible, that I won’t be able to support a family, things like that. I wanted to laugh and say I have a choice and why on earth would I start a family in my early twenties? Of course, I couldn’t; I was in enough trouble already.
I’m exhausted. With everything. I can’t be this exhausted. I’m only seventeen. But I can’t go back to sleep so I’ll just sit here and try to drown out my thoughts.